bottom's up around the world with guillermo. today, to the netherlands, home of kettle one vodka. >> hi. >> may i help you, sir? >> i'm in my traditional german dress. >> we're in the netherlands. >> okay, i got to go.

>> hold on. have you ever considered trying to become a german? >> i would love to. >> good. i've got the right guy for you. >> my own dutch guy? wow! how do you say thank you in dutch? donkey bell. to be a gentleman, i have to learn about vodka. >> this is the end product. and here's where we start. wheat. >> are you being serious or this is a dutch joke? >> we used to in the early days grind the wheat into flour. >> the windmill grinds the wheat? to explain me about wheat, he took me to a windmill. >> nice to meet you, guillermo. this is the final product of these windmills. flour. >> so this turns into alcohol? >> yes, sir. >> wow. i cannot believe the dust turns into a kettle one. >> yeah, it's a lot of tradition

and a lot of techniques to make a good spirit. >> tradition is important and my family has a lot of traditions, so i want to bring my traditions to you guys. what do you think? >> i'm not sure what you said just now. >> no? >> no. let's try. >> let's try. our tradition is working! by the way, we're going dutch today. i'm not paying for your drinks. >> ketel one. this is vodka. >> "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes with leslie mann. ted. and music from sarah jaffe. out from the shallow end se to find something truly worthy of his search. ♪

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buy 50 bucks in applebee's gift cards, and you get a 10 dollar bonus card free. a real bright idea. a real bonus. only at applebee's restaurants or applebees.com. see you tomorrow. but that doesn't happen much anymore. the creative process never stops. and songwriting is so hard, but i love it. these days, i guess i just don't want to miss a thing. [ laughs ] i miss you guys. that's me. and this is my windows phone. [ male announcer ] new windows phone. reinvented around you. ♪ s. from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, leslie mann, ted, music

from sarah jaffe. with cleto and the cletones. and now, oh my golly, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: thank you. thank you very much. i am the host of the show. thank you for watching. good of you all to be here with us tonight. we have a good show for you tonight. leslie mann is here and she's very sick, so that should be fun. and we have a very talented singer named sarah jaffe, who's making her network television debut tonight. and maybe our tiniest guest ever, ted from the movie "ted" is here.

enjoying the open bar. when he drinks, he gets soggy inside. we'll bring him out here. christmas is less than two weeks away. it's coming for us whether we like it or not. i think christmas is the best time of the year to get into a knife fight over a parking spot at target. i do most of my shopping online. but i hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while i'm doing it so i get the whole holiday shopping experience. and the neighbors love it. did you know they're celebrating christmas in other countries now? it's true. it's really catching on. this happened at the sunshine aquarium in tokyo, where i guess santa isn't afraid of sharks. >> even rays and sharks need some holiday cheer, and to bring them into the christmas spirit, santa went under water. saint nick's surprise visit delighted the residents of the aquarium as well as the young visitors watching the display. santa is quite a swimmer.

>> i want a toy from him. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that kid has some voice. i want a toy from him. we found japanese james earl jones. all the big holiday animated specials are running right now. are kids interested in the specials that we used to watch when we were kids? i don't think they are. i think they pretend to be interested to appease us. because most of the classic holiday specials are kind of out-of-date. so to fix that, we worked some holiday magic today. we removed the voiceover from the classic frosty the snowman cartoon and we replaced with it the audio from an episode of "here comes honey boo boo." and now a modern classic is born. >> this is a couple days before the pageant, so we're going to bring in our uncle. lee is our youngest brother. and he's gay. >> i still say that uncle poodle is here.

>> he's poodle. >> alana calls any gay person a poodle. >> ain't nothing wrong with being a little gay. everybody's a little gay. >> i don't know. public policy polling, this is a company that spent a lot of time this year trying to predict which candidate would become president. just released a new poll. they asked people which political party they think santa belongs to. the poll revealed that 44% of americans think santa is a democrat. 28% believe he is a republican. and the other 28 said please stop bothering me with stupid questions. some people said oh, santa's a democrat because he gives handouts and other people said he's a republican because he's an old white guy. [ laughter ] but the fact of the matter is santa isn't a democrat or a republican. in fact, santa isn't even an american. i have news for you. the real santa is china.

you think elves are the ones making that plastic crap we give our kids? no. chinese people are. you want to see what santa looks like? that's santa. he's the premier of china. [ applause ] that's who you write the letter to, kids. he signs every letter ho-ho-ho. [ laughter ] this is interesting. that same poll, it's a very stupid poll, but the same poll showed only 32% of those surveyed knew that hanukkah is eight days long. 18% thought it lasted seven days and another 18% thought it went 12 days. if this isn't a wake-up call for adam sandler to write another hanukkah song, i don't know what is. tonight is the fourth night of hanukkah, which means only four more nights of having to pretend that dradles are fun. the queen of england's annual holiday message will be broadcast in 3-d this year.

they say it will be like having an incredibly old woman right in your living room. is that really necessary? the only thing i want to see the queen do in 3-d is behead someone. queen elizabeth will become the first member of the royal family ever to be broadcast in 3-d. you know, all along, i thought prince charles's ears were being broadcast in 3-d. it turned out that was not the case. you know, this is remarkable. a dutchman just finished building a full scale model of noah's ark. that's the ark in the background. that's jonah with a stuffed tiger. i hope he hasn't seen "the life of pi" because he says he followed the exact instructions god gave noah in the bible with two exceptions. this ark has a restaurant and a movie theater. so either he took some artistic liberty or god had noah build the world's first carnival cruise. speaking of animals, mtv is premiering a new reality show

next month that's getting a lot of buzz. it's called "buck wild." it follows young adults living in rural west virginia. it's just like "jersey shore," except on this one, the hot tub is used for boiling squirrels and moon shine. the west virginia senator, a guy named joe mansion, is very upset about this. he says he believes it plays to ugly inaccurate stereotypes of the people of west virginia. he sent a letter to the president of mtv last week asking him to "put a stop to the travesty called buck wild" and even went on the "today" show to complain about it to matt lauer. >> this is the one of the best states in the nation with the best people and it's just not who we are. to portray this as a norm, it's wrong. that's all i've said. i'm just hoping to instill some decency in people and say listen, is this entertainment? is that what you have to do today to make a profit? >> i'll answer that. yes and yes. [ applause ] i'm surprised that a presumably

intelligent man would call attention to the show. the same thing happened with "jersey shore" and no one listened to that. if anything, this is the sort of thing that helps mtv and they know how to make the most of it. >> from the network that brought you "jersey shore" comes an all-new controversial show from small town west virginia that senator joe mansion is calling just awful. >> it's a shame we have degraded to this. this is not the west virginia that i know. this is not entertainment. "buck wild." this old white guy hates it. you'll love it. only on mtv. >> see? [ applause ] today was -- i don't want to bring anybody down, but today was a sad day in the history of snack cakes. the last batch of twinkies was shipped today. 25,000 boxes of twinkies, ding dongs, zingers and orange

cupcakes hit shelves in chicago this morning. people were scrambling to grab them. one guy walked off with 16 boxes of twinkies. though i'm guessing not very quickly. [ laughter ] and once those are gone, that's it for twinkies. fortunately, you can still make your own twinkies at home by squeezing grout into a loofa. this is strange. iran -- you know iran, right? foreign country. iran just launched a government run youtube. those websites are banned in iran because the government believes we're trying to destroy them with kitten videos. so they started their own youtube site. they created their own version of facebook for women. it's called don't show your facebook. [ laughter ] but i was curious as to what kinds of videos they would be posted on the iranian version of youtube. so i did some searching today and found this. >> charlie.

ouch! oh, charlie! ouch! >> well, that's cute. so cute. [ applause ] adorable. when the beard gets in the way. not only has iran developed their own youtube, reportedly they have a large stockpile of mentos and are said to be on the verge of figuring out how to drop it into diet coke. i guess all we can do is pray. with christmas around the corner, santa obviously is very busy, so my cousin sal and i like to help him out this time of year by asking kids whether they've been naughty or nice. they all claim to be nice. it's a funny thing. but we sat down with two young ladies named sophie and zoe to find out if they're deserving of gifts this year and i present my findings to you now. have a seat right there.

these two are friends. >> you guys are friends, huh? >> uh-huh. >> sophie and zoe. >> uh-huh. >> how long have you guys been friends? >> for a long time. >> a long time? >> six. >> six years? are you best friends? >> yeah. >> are you guys naughty or nice? >> nice. >> both of you are nice? >> all right. let me write that down. nice kids. have you done anything naughty this year? >> no. >> a little bit? >> um, i sometimes accidentally break things. >> that's not naughty if it's an accident. >> i always have accidents. >> what kind of accidents do you have? >> punching. >> a punching accident? >> i stop and say sorry. >> yes, punching accidents are some of the worst. because sometimes you're just sitting there and your first will suddenly punch someone else, right? >> yeah, but you do this when you're sitting down and you don't look and then you punch

someone. >> that is true. the thing is, if you do this, like this, then you look like a monkey and people will go -- [ laughter ] what other naughty things have you done this year? have either of you ever been to jail? >> no. >> you ever steal anything? >> no. >> jimmy: have you ever committed a war crime? >> no. once i got a lip stuck in my throat. >> jimmy: you got a lip stuck in your throat? whose lip was it? >> when i was growing up, a lip got stuck in my throat. >> jimmy: a lip? a human lip? >> no, like a lip at the store. >> jimmy: a lip at the store. i don't know what that is. >> you know, like those little -- >> jimmy: hey, hey, hey.

wake up. sorry. what's wrong with you? we're trying to work here. you're supposed to be paying attention. >> i was up late. >> jimmy: anyway, let's get back to christmas here. what is your favorite vegetable? because this year, santa was thinking maybe instead of toys, i'll bring vegetables to the kids. >> i like carrots. >> jimmy: carrots. >> asparagus. >> jimmy: interesting. >> i eat asparagus and when i go pea p peepee, it smells like asparagus peepee. >> jimmy: i know. same thing happens to me and the reindeer. from the movie "ted", ted is here. we music from sarah jaffe. we'll be right back with leslie mann. so stick around.

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>> jimmy: hi there. welcome back. tonight on the program, i'll say this is a little bit different. not all of our guests are human tonight. the unrated version of his movie "ted" came out today on blu-ray and dvd. ted is here with us. he's a stuffed animal, but he talks. much like guillermo. >> yes. >> jimmy: yes. and then music from this album. making her network television debut, sarah jaffe.

tomorrow night, john krasinski will be here tomorrow night. john happens to be my neighbor and i did something terrible to his house last night, so we will reveal that tomorrow on the show. mike birbiglia will be with us too and we'll have music from atlas genius, so please join us then. our first guest tonight makes movies with her family, but they are not family movies. you know her from "knocked up" and "the 40-year-old virgin." her actual real life daughter is in the new judd apatow film "this is 40." please welcome leslie mann. [ cheers and applause ] leslie, i heard you were very sick. >> i'm very sick right now. >> i appreciate you keeping your commitment and coming here to infect all of us. >> i know.

[ applause ] i don't think i'm contagious anymore. >> let's go through your symptoms. what are the symptoms? >> okay. i feel like chesty, like chest pain. >> jimmy: hold on. let me get my pad. chesty chest pain. >> i have achy head. stuffy nose. >> jimmy: everything has a y at the end. sounds like reindeer or something. dwarves. >> a stuck mucusy feeling between my throat and my nose. and my ears are clogged. i feel like i'm under water. >> jimmy: would you say they're cloggy? >> cloggy. >> jimmy: chesty, achy, stuffy, muc mucusy, and cloggy. i think you might have the plague. those are all the symptoms there. did they give you medication? did you go to the doctor? >> i'm on so much medication right now. >> jimmy: really? >> i'm on steroids. >> jimmy: why? >> i don't know.

my doctor said he was going to overtreat me because i had a lot of work to do. and they call him dr. feel good. >> jimmy: oh, they do? >> i'm on steroids and antibiotics and cough medicine. there are two different cough medici medicines. one that i'm supposed to take at night only. and then one that i can take during the day, but i may have mixed them. >> jimmy: there's always going to be some overlap, yeah. >> and then i had a little bit of wine before -- >> jimmy: this is like the e true hollywood story of anna nicole smith. this is a lot of stuff. when he says he's going to overtreat you -- see, i would go good, i want to be overtreated. >> that's what i said. but now i feel like this. >> jimmy: but you feel like there must be some terrible downside to getting all that medication. >> something that's coming. >> jimmy: if you take too many steroids, you become like the governor.

>> i know. >> jimmy: become a moon faced governor is. that what they say, moon faced? >> you get moon faced. >> jimmy: i've never heard about that. i've heard about the private parts shrinking. >> is that what happens? your private parts shrink? >> jimmy: i think that's what they say to keep the young boys away from steroids. they say that that happens. i don't know that it happens. i haven't done much research in that area. but i'll check around with the guys after the show. i'll pick the most muscular one and we'll compare them to rai n raisinettes. now, this movie, which was very funny, by the way, and very insightful, your husband judd apatow wrote it and directed it. essentially, paul rudd is playing judd. is that true? >> i guess so. i mean, yeah, a little bit. [ laughter ] i guess so, yeah. >> jimmy: are you playing

yourself? >> not really. i'm not quite sure how to explain it. we kind of -- you know, judd and i, when he told me he wanted to make this movie, i said great. and then over a couple of years, we had conversations about, you know, what would -- what the movie would be about. and we sometimes would have, like, coded conversations. kind of like arguments through the characters. >> jimmy: what? >> yeah. so i'm debbie and paul rudd is pete. and we would -- this is why judd is kind of like paul rudd's character, i guess. but judd would say things like, you know, things that he would be afraid to say to me, his wife, he wouldn't be afraid to say to the character debbie. so he would say, like, don't you think it would make sense for debbie to say that she's being really controlling in this scene? [ laughter ]

and i'd say well yeah, and don't you think it would be really good for pete to say right now that he's being, like, kind of a big [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] and so we would have those conversations. it's therapeutic. >> jimmy: that's a very passive aggressive way of writing a movie. >> it was. but fun. >> jimmy: your real daughters are in the movie. i assume they wanted to be in the movie. >> they -- yeah. >> jimmy: or you didn't want to pay for a sitter. >> i think that judd underpays them. he's really cheap. it's really bad. i told them, i said you should try to get more money, because he's screwing you. [ laughter ] and they tried and he's like tough with them and didn't give them more money. >> jimmy: do the girls have an agent? >> no. >> jimmy: maybe they should hire an agent to start playing some

hardball with dad. >> i know. they probably should have. but i didn't want to cross that line either. >> jimmy: you already crossed that line. when you're negotiating with your dad for anything other than allowance, it's ridiculous. do they get that money? are they allowed to spend it? >> no, they don't get it. they got $50 a week. >> jimmy: oh, really. that's a lot. >> they get it later, right? it goes into something. >> jimmy: some families, a lot of families will steal it from their children. >> isn't there a law that protects -- >> jimmy: there's like a jackie -- >> jackie gleason law? >> jimmy: no, not gleason. jackie cooper or something like that. you're looking to the band. might know. is it cooper? jackie cooper law. >> who is jackie gleason? >> jimmy: who is jackie gleason? ralph crandon. i don't think he was ever even a child. let's go over your drugs again.

>> i'm telling you, it's really bad. >> jimmy: it's all right. most of our guests are on drugs. you were prescribed drugs, which makes it a little bit different and i think even more acceptable. so you bring the kids to the set. you guys are together at work all day. the whole family. and then at home the whole time. which is -- a lot of people would kill each other at that point. and that worked out okay? >> yeah, it's tricky. that's hard. but we don't -- you know, i don't feel like i want to kill -- >> jimmy: you don't? >> you know what? sometimes i do have -- i don't know if this is weird to say. on tv. but i do feel sometimes like judd may want to -- we love each other. a lot. but i do feel like he's very quiet and holds things in and i

do feel like he may be capable of killing me. >> jimmy: oh really? [ laughter ] how often do you have this thought? >> not all the time, but sometimes when i'm alone. >> jimmy: not all the time? >> when i'm alone at home, which is not very often. i think why are the kids gone and why am i alone in the house? is that because it would be easier for a hit man to come in and kill me right now? >> jimmy: do you think that's how he'd do it? he'd hire someone else? because he's very cheap, i don't know if he would. >> he might not. i know. >> jimmy: is this something he's aware of that you think? >> he is now. now i've given him an idea. >> jimmy: now he's on notice. now he can't do anything. because it's already been on television. >> do you think that ever? do you ever have these thoughts?

>> jimmy: that judd's trying to kill me? [ laughter ] no. i wouldn't say that i have them. i would say that when i was married, yeah, one time there was a time where i thought maybe. but it's very complicated. i won't go into full detail. but for some reason, my laundry was the only laundry in the house that was not getting done. and it did cross my mind that maybe this was some very, very strange way of trying to kill me. >> yes. see? >> jimmy: and then i accused her of trying to kill me and then we got divorced. but i wouldn't worry about that if i were you. what are you guys doing for the holidays? >> we're not doing anything. we're working a lot right now. and then we'll probably just stay home. >> jimmy: no vacation or anything like that? >> this is going to sound stupid also, but i talked to a psychic who told me that -- [ laughter ]

who said that if -- she said is there -- i don't know, i see something with texting and driving. are there curves anywhere near where you might be going? or does it involve plane travel? which covers everything. she basically said we would die if we were going to travel over the holidays. >> jimmy: so that's why? because your psychic reads too much "oprah" magazine, you are not traveling over the holidays? >> yes! >> jimmy: wow. this is a lot of stock to put in this psychic. >> i know. should i not believe her? but what if she's right? >> jimmy: well then you'll be dead, what does it matter? we're going to take a break. we're going to get it together. leslie mann is here. we'll be right back.

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you have an amazing body. >> really? >> yes. are those real? >> my bobs? >> yeah. >> yeah. do you want to touch them?

>> really? >> touch them. >> okay. wow. huh. [ bleep ]. i mean, they really are amazing. that's firm for real. they're like a memory mattress. it's -- wow. like tempurpedic. they look amazing. my kids just sucked the meat right out of mine. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is leslie mann on "this is 40." as i was watching that, all i was thinking of is judd -- he was able to write the words my wife touches megan fox's breast, and then you went ahead and did it. >> and then i did it. >> jimmy: it's a real puppet master type situation. i think this is what every guy, if they got a chance to write a

movie, this is exactly the scene they would all write. >> i think he's much dirtier than i thought he was. >> jimmy: yes, he's very, very dirty. and he edited this month's issue of "vanity fair" magazine, the comedy issue. was it judd's idea to put you in a goldie hawn style bikini with paint all over your body? >> do you wish it was megan in the bikini like that? >> jimmy: no, you look quite good yourself in that bikini. it came out all right. was that his idea? >> that was -- well, kind of. his idea and my idea. you look really good. >> jimmy: well, let's not change the subject. you do, though. well, you're clearly on drugs. when you're not in these movies, you've been doing some family films recently. i want to just hold up a couple. now, this is a character from the movie "rio." you voiced linda in "rio."

very cute. and now we have your character from "paranorman," which is sandra babcock. quite a range going on there. [ laughter ] >> sometimes they make you look better and cute. and then sometimes they -- [ laughter ] what did they do to me? and they gave me the foofa. >> jimmy: the what? i don't know if i want to know what that is. >> you don't know what that is? >> jimmy: does anyone know? what is a foopa? i don't want to point anyone out. don't put the camera on them. but we have some people who are delinquent from work here tonight. don't do it. i don't want to get anyone -- [ cheers and applause ] we'll blur your face.

guys, does anyone listen to me on this show? what's going on here? >> it's a fat upper pelvic area. >> jimmy: every part has a name. it's really one believable. did you complain? >> i didn't realize i was going to look like this until i saw the movie. i didn't know what that meant, what they were trying to say. because usually they make the character look like you a little bit. >> jimmy: yeah, well they didn't. so don't worry. the movie is great. congratulations. >> thank you so much. [ applause ] >> jimmy: and you got nominated -- today, i believe, you got nominated for a critic's choice award and the movie got nominated for a critic's choice award. >> yes, it did. >> jimmy: leslie mann, everyone. we'll the right back with ted.

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>> jimmy: hello there. she the most famous stuffed toy since tickle me elbow. he's the star of the #1 comedy of the year. and he's got an unrated version of ted debuting today on blu-ray and dvd. please welcome a guest without genitals, ted. [ cheers and applause ] first of all, you look great. very plush. congratulations on the success of the movie. how is everything? how you doing? >> i'm good, i'm good. thanks for having me.

this is so much fun. >> jimmy: it's great to have you here. i loved the movie. i thought it was really hilarious and you were great in it, too. >> i wanted to do a comedy. my last movie was my rain forest documentary "stop shopping." very powerful film. >> jimmy: are you getting recognized a lot now that you've done the movie? >> yeah, i am, actually. the other day i was at the mall and i was getting mobbed and i had to run into a build-a-bear just to blend in. >> jimmy: that must be fun. must be like going home for you. >> no, it's not fun. have you ever been in one of them build-a-bear places? it's sick. why are you guys frankensteining bears like nazi doctors? what kind of species are you that you would do that? >> jimmy: that's a very good question. that's humans for you. you comfort us and we dismember you. >> that's great, pal. >> jimmy: do you have any plans for the holidays? >> i'm going to go to the mall and asked santa for a penis.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: you can probably get that at build-a-bear. >> probably you're right. >> jimmy: what's next for you career-wise? have you been offered other film roles? >> they offered me "game of thrones." i turned it down. there are dragons and i'm highly flammable. >> jimmy: are there plans to make "ted 2"? >> we basically are going to do the same movie, but in thailand. >> jimmy: are you stoned right now? >> no, sir, i am not. drugs ruin lives. >> jimmy: so your movie "ted" is out today on blu-ray and dvd. what will we see that we did not see in theaters? >> you can see basically all the stuff that we didn't think was good enough to be in the movie. there's a lot of deleted scenes. some extra crap.

trading cards. ted key chain. there's a cup of coffee in there. >> jimmy: there is? >> yeah. >> jimmy: would you mind if we showed one of the deleted scenes? >> no. do it, pal. >> jimmy: all right. we have the clip right here. let's take a look. >> oh no. wait a minute. no, no, no. >> jimmy: is that you? >> we got the wrong clip here. >> jimmy: looks like you're getting some action there. >> before we judge here, that dog used to run universal studios. so how do you think i got the job? >> jimmy: you mean business. >> i do. i was all about succeeding. >> jimmy: if you want to see unrated scenes from "ted", get the blu-ray or dvd in stores today. thank you so much. we'll be right back. good morning! wow.

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>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series sponsored by bud light. >> jimmy: her latest album is called "the body wins." here with the song "mannequin woman," sarah jaffe. [ applause ] ♪ life like a b-side

a medicated verse fall in the frontline and back to middle earth ♪ ♪ mannequin woman can't set myself in motion feel the blood pumping but cannot find a pulse ♪ ♪ oh oh oh i just don't just don't know know know ♪ ♪ just don't just don't know know know just don't ♪ ♪ just don't know know know just don't ♪

♪ spent a month to be quiet a few days to be cool my friends were my counselors and they told me what to do ♪ ♪ there's always a point a point of no return always something to give up always something to learn ♪ ♪ send my brain in circles shed my bitter skin still a mannequin woman can't set myself in motion ♪ ♪ oh oh oh i just don't just don't know

know know ♪ ♪ just don't just don't know know know just don't ♪ ♪ just don't know know know just don't i just don't ♪ ♪ just don't know know know turn to stone just don't ♪ ♪ just don't know know know turn to stone just don't ♪ ♪ just don't know know know turn to stone just don't ♪ ♪ turn to stone

no ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i want to thank leslie mann. i want to thank ted. i want to apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. tomorrow night, john krasinski and music from atlas genius. this is their album, the body wins. you can see the full performance at jimmykimmellive.com. once again, sarah jaffe. good night! captions by vitac ♪ all my young life open my mouth too many time s

now that i'm done talking you come walking i feel ignorant to be certain strung out like a fool i know i don't need to i know that i want you ignorant to be certain ignorant to be certain all your debts are paid off you don't owe a thing always calculating i feel ignorant to be certain